Going home is not as simple as buying a flight ticket and packing up the stuff—particularly for a Chinese who has lived overseas for a few years, in this particular period of history.

A few things of mine need to be sent back to China. I checked a courier’s website today, and saw this line of word:

Forbidden Items:*

[…]

Audio recording tapes, video recording tapes or any printed material of political, economical, cultural, moral themes or about the People’s Republic of China (very important) ¹

I turned my eye sight to the bookshelf and onto the Handbook of International Human Rights Law on my desktop. I study moral philosophy and human rights, what books of mine are not about, say, moral themes?

I was also looking for a stable proxy to allow me to get through the Great Firewall once I’m back. At some point I came across one service provider which, on their registration page, says,

‘Registration from politically extremists would be duly rejected.’ ²

But who are qualified as ‘politically extremists’? The definition isn’t given.

I’m also looking for a place to live in a city, where I’ll be doing my internship for the next few months. On a quite popular renting platform, I was asked to sign a ‘contract for credibility’ in which I must (quote) ‘irrevocably’ authorize the company to collect relevant data to prove my credibility. Worried, I consulted my lawyer friend about the validity of the contract, and contacted the customer service for clarification. Luckily, I got some positive answers. Alas, I just couldn’t help but recall last year when many companies in the world were freaked out by the implementation of GDPR.

In the afternoon (CET) of 12 Aug, I was trying to play a multi-player game of Divinity: Original Sin 2 with my friend Sebille. Sebille works for a local state media in my city, and has been working overtime to cover the situation in Hong Kong. We’ve gone through lots of discussion and perhaps much more emotions. She has worried about my safety, since I’ve been vocal about things and trying to spread some news on Chinese social media (even though they sometimes got deleted or hid not by myself). Today, she’s not on duty and we felt that we should have some fun to change the mood.

As the game was slowly loading, I read news from some Hong Kong Telegram channels. A Mainland Chinese was surrounded by Hong Kong protestors at the Airport and his personal items were taken picture of. So I sent Sebille a picture that has items containing the man’s personal information, wondering if by any chance she knows the person or the name on a different name card on the photo. We were on phone at that time, and she saw the photos. She suddenly told me, in a noticeably worrisome voice, ‘I need to deal with something. I’ll come back later.’

A few minutes later, the game crashed, and Sebille hadn’t been back. So I asked her, ‘Are you okay?’ To which she replied in a voice message with a shocked and short sentence, ‘My schoolmate was beaten up.’

My heart dropped.

Though it was later clarified that it wasn’t her schoolmate, still, it’s a confirmed reporter working for the Chinese news agency, Global Time. And very soon, discussions also started in other chat groups. The news was back in Mainland China quickly enough. My circle is quite liberal, or pro-democracy. And all of us, as far as I perceive, felt great disappointment and sorry for what had happened, and are pessimistic about where the situation is heading towards.

The gap and tear between Hong Kongers and Mainlanders have been widened in the past few years. Tonight, it may have turned into a deep wound, artificial or not, that through generations would not heal. And salts from state media and manipulation of information behind the Wall keep coming onto the old and new wounds, often scattered even further by the wounded peoples.

And this is after the Mainland authorities unexpectedly stopped all individual tourism to Taiwan, and forbids Mainland films participating the renowned Golden Horse Awards in Taiwan, when things (more than political in a way) in Greater China region are really getting more complicated and unwelcomed.

People in the west has been concerned about divided society. Like many things else with China, the social division is of a larger scale with its large population and the Wall.

Sebille, after so many of our rational discussions before, still couldn’t hold herself together and got quite emotional. She had to temporarily withdrew from her day-off and went back to work for some minutes. When she’s back on the chat, she had clamed down, after her husband who said to her: if you’re a true liberal, you must be calm; if you’re a media worker, you have a responsibility to be clam. She said their team is the last to break down, yet still they did. We discussed if the Global Time reporter was sent in to set up the protesters and the united frontline of Mainland media against Hong Kong protesters. It’s was preciously fun that, at the end, we still got to joke a little bit. Keep track of things as it may be History one day. ‘But keep it well, please, don‘t be like your lost game saves.’

This was perhaps her fifth or sixth night of going to bed at 2AM after work.

I was smoking at the windows, feeling a tearless cry inside me. Some neighbour’s Jazz music and the echoing sound of love among the buildings have brought some peaceful daily life into the chilly Viennese night, as the autumn is about to come. I fear to sleep at this type of moment, as I don’t know what will happen during the sleep and where the stream and tides of History would have brought us. At the end, is there any real disagreement among people? All struggles may just be after the same goal of being able to love who we love, and be loving them, in safety.

I guessed we’ve tried our best? But we face a modern Goliath, and we’re not David. The tiny fates that tie us up make us not brave enough, and there’s no God anyway.

I don’t know how to go home. As sun rises in the Far East, a girl in my Chinese circle said that she had just cried because her mom vehemently asked her whether she’s still Chinese or not. Suggestions from other friends? Self-exile and become a homeless and origin-less person. ‘A global citizen must be spiritually homeless to a certain extent.’ At least that will make one harder to feel sad.

I always believe that I’m first a human being, then a Chinese. Practically speaking though, being a EU citizen is a better option—if only it’s up to me to choose.

Last modified on 2019-08-14